


Found Wanting

by everlent



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora POV, Angst, Dreams/Hallucinations, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, F/F, Happy Ending, Illusions, Kinda?, adora and catra are both lesbians no exceptions, adora character study, horde prime can choke, me writing adora: it's all about the insatiable longing, religious trauma all the way!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everlent/pseuds/everlent
Summary: Adora finally has everything she wants. Her only choice now is whether or not to let go.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), bow and glimmer are just in the background
Comments: 16
Kudos: 114





	Found Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> this whole fic was just an excuse to write an Adora centric story bc she's my favorite character in she-ra.
> 
> i saw the short scene of "Adora's wish" (one of my favorite scenes) and basically just thought hmmm what if that was longer! so (almost) all of this takes place exclusively in Adora's mind and really just exposes her deepest fears and desires. 
> 
> this was also an excuse to write a dream/hallucination sequence bc i go absolutely insane for those and i think there should be more of them. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

> _I didn’t wanna wake up last night / cause I quite liked the dream I had of holding your hand / it’s funny how slowly time goes / when my thoughts have been racing all this time / it’s alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I’ve said it once but I still tell myself again and again / “you’ll never be enough”, but what is enough? / you’re selfless, isn’t that enough?_

Warmth. 

That was the only sensation Adora could feel. Enveloped by it, her mind was still and calm. At peace, as she so rarely was. 

But as she felt herself being dragged from sleep, Adora braced herself for the racing thoughts that always accompanied her waking moments. The endless stream of _what if?_ and _what can I do?_ and _how do I fix it?_

She could hardly think of anything else most days. But it was okay. It was a burden, but she carried it lightly. It was necessary. How else would the world ever be safe if no one was out there helping it? In that way she was infinitely grateful for She Ra’s presence in her life. Without She Ra her life wouldn’t be the same. Adora wouldn’t be the same. 

She sat up straight in bed, letting her eyes slowly adjust to the darkness of the room while her surroundings began to catch up with her. Piles and piles of books she had borrowed from Bow’s dads on the lore of She Ra littered the floor, making it difficult to find a path to the bed. A board game on the table that she had been playing (and stubbornly refusing to admit that she was _losing_ ) with Bow and Glimmer. 

The vanity by the left wall that she only ever used to pin up battle strategies to the mirror. Only they didn’t seem to be there anymore…

Adora’s brows furrowed in confusion at the missing papers. Had Bow moved them? It would be just like him. He was always so worried she was doing too much or ‘over-exerting herself’. Which she wasn’t. She knew her limits and she knew that she could push those limits, too. 

She felt a little flare of annoyance and affection until, out of nowhere, something shifted beside her. Adora nearly jumped out of her skin at the unexpected movement, hand automatically reaching beneath her pillow for the knife she always kept close. Only, her fingers didn’t touch the cool metal that should have been there. Her hands clutched sheets and empty air and a whole lot of apprehension. 

Nervous, but wanting to face the potential threat, Adora pulled back the covers as daintily as she could manage so she wouldn’t wake...Catra? There, breathing even and slow, and curled up with a pillow, was Catra. Of course it was Catra. Who else would it be?

Adora huffed a short and relieved breath, laughing at herself a little. She must’ve been in a really deep sleep to have woken up so confused. Probably had a really weird dream, too, now that she thought about it. She recalled vague flashes of green lines and something glowing emanating from her chest. Yeah, definitely weird. 

Now she remembered why the battle plans were gone, why her knife seemed to have disappeared, why Catra was even here at all. The war was over. Etheria was safe. Everyone was safe. 

With these worries put to rest, Adora gently laid back down on the fluffy comforter. Ever since childhood if she had woken up in the middle of the night (which occurred more often than not) she would get up to train or make herself useful. It’s not like she was gonna fall back asleep anyways, not when her thoughts always felt like they were put on an endless loop. They wouldn’t let her stop. 

But for once...for once Adora felt no anxiety, no hurried anticipation to start the day and get things _done_. The war was over. They had won. 

She reached her arm out to Catra, careful not to rouse her from her dreams. Catra rarely got good sleep, either. Too many nightmares. So, Adora just let one hand settle on Catra’s shoulder. Putting barely any pressure at all. But that one touch brought her enough comfort that she felt at ease to drift off again. 

Catra was next to her. Catra was safe. 

Everything was right. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on, Adora! You know if we get there any later than Sparkles said she’ll personally banish us. Not that I’m scared of someone who dresses exclusively in pink, but I’d rather avoid the long and boring discussion.” 

Adora’s eyes flew open, and for a second she felt so panicked she could have screamed. She stumbled backwards and tripped over a long piece of fabric. Was she wearing a dress? Whatever it was, it unbalanced her to the point that she fell against the wall, only barely able to catch herself. It took her a second to note how heavily she was breathing. 

“Adora!” Catra yelled, rushing to Adora’s side almost immediately. Catra grabbed Adora’s biceps to steady her, frantically scanning her face. 

“Gods, are you alright? What the hell happened?” she demanded. 

Adora hesitated for a moment to focus on her breathing. She stared at Catra’s face, willing herself to calm down. What had happened? Had she fainted or something? She really hoped she hadn’t fainted. Bow would be upset and, later, Catra would never let her live it down. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m fine,” she reassured. “I honestly don’t know _what_ happened. I just felt…kinda dizzy for a minute,” Adora responded. It was half true. She definitely felt dizzy _now_. But that wasn’t really what had caused this whole thing. She felt like she had startled awake from something. Catra had seemingly been engaged in conversation with her but she felt like she’d just entered the room. Maybe she had a concussion. 

Catra’s eyes narrowed. She could usually tell when Adora was lying. Not because Adora was a bad liar, because she _was not_ , despite what Glimmer said. Catra just knew her too well. 

Whatever she was feeling was weird, but she could figure it out later. They were gonna be late to something, right? She looked down at the long, pristine white gown she was wearing. She took notice of Catra wearing her formal clothes. She also took notice of her old pin that was currently fastened to Catra’s shirt. Seeing Catra wear something of hers, even as small as that, made her stomach flip and her cheeks grow warm. But Catra still looked really concerned and Adora didn’t like that. They were going to have a good time. She would guarantee it. 

“Are you sure about that?” Catra asked skeptically, but her sardonic tone was contrasted by her hands that were now gently cradling Adora’s face. 

Adora smiled. “Yeah, I’m sure.” Catra waited for a minute, clearly not believing it but ultimately decided to address it later. Thankfully. 

Catra laughed a little and pulled back to give her space. “You probably didn’t drink enough water today, as _usual_. We are gonna have a serious talk later about your health.” Catra had a wicked gleam in her eyes. 

“I’ll even ask Bow to bring his presentation on **The Importance of Self-Care.** It’s getting pretty long now. In fact, last I checked it was about 32 pages. Give or take.”

Adora winced. “Catra, no, you can’t. You wouldn’t do that to me, come on.” 

Catra grinned. “Are you sure? I think I could do a lot of things you wouldn’t expect me to.” 

Adora knew she was blushing again and Catra was looking far too satisfied with herself for Adora’s liking. She shoved Catra away lightly, laughing to cover up how flustered she was. Catra snorted, and Adora found herself reminded of how much she loved her. 

And there was a thought she didn’t think she would ever get used to. Loving Catra was not something she had been able to process quickly, or even at all, for an excruciatingly long time. But now that she had…

Catra was over by the closet they shared, pulling out a fancy jacket that matched Adora’s dress. She threw it on and examined how well it fit in the mirror. Adora sighed in contentment. 

Now that she could really say she loved Catra, with all her heart, she had never felt so free. Like nothing and no one could touch her. 

All of a sudden something strange happened. The world around her seemed to glitch, like one of the holographic maps they used in the war room when the information was overloading. Or like Light Hope, when she was damaged and needed her system reset. 

What had happened to Light Hope, anyway? For some reason it was difficult to remember. And where was her sword? She hadn’t seen it at all recently, which was weird because she normally never left it out of her sight. 

Adora pressed her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. She could feel a headache coming on. When she opened them again the world was normal. She probably just needed to have her vision checked. 

“You ready?” Catra asked. 

Adora happily took Catra’s outstretched arm and they walked out of the room together. Who knew how late they were now. 

Glimmer really was going to kill them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adora yawned loudly, wanting to emphasize how tired she was to her friends. She knew she was being dramatic, a trait she had been exhibiting more and more the more time she spent with Catra, but she couldn’t help it. 

“What are we here for again?” Adora questioned. It was fairly early in the morning and while Adora had nothing _against_ early rising (she enjoyed it, even) this was pushing it even for her. 

Glimmer, walking to her right, looked exhausted, too. 

“We” (big yawn) “are getting a present for Aunt Castaspella from Plumeria. Her birthday is next week and she loves flowers and fancy flowered decorations and flowery clothes…” Glimmer paused. 

“Just, lots of flowers,” she sighed. 

“ _And_ we needed to pick up some supplies for the castle from Plumeria anyways,” said Bow extremely too cheerfully. 

“It’s a win-win!” he exclaimed. 

Catra hadn’t come with them because she had said she had some errands to run around Bright Moon. Whatever that meant. Not having Catra around just made the whole situation a little worse. 

Adora failed to see who was really winning here. 

But all her negative thoughts fell away when they reached the main road into Plumeria. It was beautiful and breathtaking, even though Adora had lost count of how many times she had seen it. The trees towered far above her, but they weren’t threatening like some parts of the forest were. In a weird way, it felt like they were giving you a hug. 

“Glenda, it’s so good to see you!” Bow shouted, rushing up to hug the leader of this particular town in Plumeria. Glenda was a capable leader, and Perfuma trusted her with nearly everything in the kingdom. Adora wasn’t sure if she was specifically named Perfuma’s second-in-command, but if she wasn’t she might as well have been. 

“Hello, brothers and sisters from Bright Moon!” Glenda greeted with a smile. 

At these words, Adora stopped in her tracks. Why did that sound so familiar? 

There was something, something secret and locked away, in the back of her mind. Something wasn’t right. What was it? Adora glanced all around her, feeling like a million sets of eyes were watching. She scanned the treetops a little too closely, turning in a full circle. 

In the background Adora could hear Glimmer asking her what was wrong, but she couldn’t focus, couldn’t answer. Her skin felt like it was on fire, her blood was boiling her alive and something was wrong and she didn’t know why. 

_You should not have disobeyed me, Little Sister._

Out of nowhere Adora hunched over, clutching her head. The pain was so immense for a minute she thought she was dying. She could feel it throughout her whole body, a violent burning sensation that left her unable to speak or think or breathe. She screamed aloud and fell to her knees on the dusty road. Glimmer’s hands were on her back as she was yelling for help, but Adora could barely hear it. 

The last thing she saw was Glenda’s horrified face before the darkness swallowed her whole. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Adora,” Catra spoke softly. 

Adora’s eyes blinked open hesitantly. The pounding in her head had subsided, but only just. She wasn’t in her bedroom, though. By the looks of the white walls and plain sheets she was in Bright Moon’s infirmary. Glimmer must have teleported her there. 

Against her will, Adora felt a little hint of annoyance. It’s not like she had _actually_ been dying, the infirmary was pretty unnecessary. 

Catra squeezed her hand, though, and that was enough to remind her of her promises to Catra. To Bow and Glimmer and all the other princesses, too. That she was going to take better care of herself. So, instead of sitting up and insisting she was fine (other than the nearly unbearable headache), Adora was still. It felt odd and unnatural and she didn’t much like the feeling. 

But she did like how Catra was holding her hand. How Catra looked just the tiniest bit relieved when Adora didn’t get up, as if Catra had sensed her thoughts and had been anticipating an argument. 

Adora squeezed her hand back and gave a small smile. She didn’t like fighting with Catra. Never had. Their occasional petty debates and pointless “lover’s quarrels”, as Bow referred to them, were nothing compared to the huge altercations they used to have. 

Adora was happy they were past that phase. They had both learned and changed a lot, since then. Now, even when they argued, Adora sensed a security in their relationship that she’d never really felt before. It felt good. She hoped it never went away. 

“Hey,” she mumbled back quietly. “What...what exactly happened?”

Catra’s brow furrowed in even more concern. 

“You don’t remember? Guess you really do have brain damage,” she joked. 

Adora chuckled lightly, but even that small movement sent a wave of pins and needles through her brain. 

“Ow,” she hissed. 

Catra sobered up quickly. “You really don’t know?”

Adora shrugged as best as she could while lying down. 

“No, not really. I just remember feeling...like I was on fire or something, but like, on the inside? I know it doesn’t really make sense.” 

Catra looked worried but didn’t question it. 

“Well, according to Sparkles, you were walking just fine when you started acting weird. Like paranoid, even more than usual. Then you just...started screaming.” Catra looked away when she talked. “She got to you, trying to get you to snap out of it, but you were on the ground and you just...wouldn’t stop.” 

Catra’s hand tightened around Adora’s.

“When you kept going she decided to take you back here. They had to knock you out with some chemicals or something, I don’t know.” 

Catra looked at her earnestly. “Don’t worry, I made sure it was safe.”

Adora snorted. “Like you know anything about medical supplies.” 

Catra held her head up high, giving Adora a fierce look of indignation. 

“Hey, I helped plenty with the medics in the Fright Zone. You know, before...everything. Then I was pretty busy and the world was ending later so…” Catra sighed. 

“Yeah, so, maybe it’s been a little while, whatever.”

Adora didn’t say anything, just looked up adoringly at Catra. 

Catra glanced at her face and looked away a second later, clearly flustered. Neither of them were quite used to so much unbridled affection from the other. 

“Anyway, they said to just let you rest. Apparently, they have no idea what’s wrong. According to them, you’re perfectly fine.”

Adora tilted her head to look up at Catra’s face from under where her bangs had fallen into her eyes. 

“And according to you?”

Catra shrugged but it was stiff. “Glimmer and I both think something is obviously wrong. Bow is a little confused but he doesn’t know what to do, either. They were in here earlier, by the way. Sparkles had some queen duties to attend to or something and Bow went back for the supplies. They’ll be happy to see you awake when they get back...” Catra trailed off. 

She looked into Adora’s eyes this time.

“We’ll figure it out.” A small pause.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” 

Catra clearly struggled with the words, not because she wasn’t sorry. Adora knew it was because she truly felt guilty. These days, Catra had a sensitivity to Adora’s well-being that was almost overbearing. Adora knew it was because of those long years apart, when one of Catra’s many goals had resulted in actively hurting people, not only Adora. 

Still, sometimes after long days when her patience was worn thin and Catra was still questioning her on her latest mishap she would lose her temper. Adora always made an effort to apologize, though. She knew Catra really just wanted the best for her. 

And Catra had learned to recognize when she was truly looking out for Adora or just projecting those years of regret. It was a tough balance, but they had found their center.

Adora shook her head. “Don’t be sorry. If I was acting as crazy as Glimmer said there wasn’t anything you could have done, anyways.”

Catra sighed, again. Adora frowned. She looked pretty tired. 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

Catra’s eyes lit up. “Oh, man, I almost forgot. I have something for you.”

To Adora’s dismay, she let go of Adora’s hand and bent down to pick something up. 

A box. About medium sized, bright blue, and wrapped up in a simple purple ribbon. 

Catra scowled just slightly as she put it up next to Adora on the bed. 

“Here, don’t ask about the decoration, Sparkles helped me pick out the box. More like forced me, actually,” she grumbled.

“Why do presents even need a box?” she continued. “You’re just gonna throw it away, it’s so pointless.”

Catra took a deep breath. She seemed uncharacteristically nervous. 

“So, I was gonna give this to you tomorrow, you know, at the party. I actually was getting it today, when you were gone this morning.” 

Catra tapped her nails lightly on the box, crossing her legs in the chair and uncrossing them and crossing them again.

Adora couldn’t figure out why she was so anxious, but she waited for her to finish. 

“But, I figured, since you had such a shitty day you might as well open it now. If you want.” 

Adora was confused but nodded, trying to sit up a little. 

“Uh yeah, I can—I can open it.” 

Catra helped her put pillows behind Adora’s back for support, making sure she was comfortable. 

Adora smiled once at Catra to encourage her, then gingerly unraveled the ribbon. She took the (extremely) blue lid off and reached inside. Her hands touched...leather?

Adora pulled out a satchel, a rich chestnut color with intricate runes on the front and straps. Yep, definitely leather. She trailed her fingers lightly over the embroidery, admiring the subtle stitches of silver and gold.

“It’s a satchel,” Catra said obviously. “I got it from Salineas, they have a lot of good stuff at their ports, from all over Etheria. This old guy I bought it from said it was the best of the best and after I may have…intimidated him, just a little, I believed him.”

Adora glared in disapproval of Catra’s bargaining methods but she didn’t have it in her to be mad. This bag had probably cost plenty of money, and Catra wasn’t a huge spender. She loved it, truly, and she loved it even more because it was from Catra.

“And since you’re always stealing mine,” Catra was still rambling, “I thought I’d finally just get you your own. So, we kind of match now which is dumb but alright, I guess.” 

“Do you like it?” she asked shyly. 

Adora grinned, leaving no room for doubts about how she felt about the gift. 

“Catra, I love it! Of course I love it. Why were you so nervous to give this to me, you know I like this stuff,” Adora questioned. 

Catra’s eyes widened slightly. She looked down at her hands again, talking a little quieter than before. 

“Well, like I said, this was for the party tomorrow, but the other day Sparkles was asking me all these questions about...certain Etherian traditions, and she acted so shocked when I said obviously I don’t know about those, they didn’t exactly give us a crash course on the 8 different kinds of dinner parties in the Fright Zone and—”

Catra cut herself off and took a deep breath, steeling herself. 

“Long story short, tomorrow is also, technically, our anniversary?” 

Adora’s brain malfunctioned and her limbs felt frozen in place. 

“Oh…” 

Catra spoke quickly, trying to cover up the sudden oppressive silence. 

“I didn’t even know if that was something you wanted to celebrate or anything but I thought I should just get something and if you don’t want to mention it that’s fine, I wasn’t sure—”

Catra was cut off by Adora’s hand on the back of her neck, dragging her down into a light kiss. 

Catra let go of the breath she’d been holding, moving her hand up to rest on Adora’s shoulder. When Adora let go and tilted back only slightly to look at the blush on Catra’s cheeks and notice how her eyes stayed closed for a second or two after they parted she realized this was something she’d never get used to, either. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure celebrating our anniversary is a good idea,” Adora said in a joking tone. 

Catra grinned, all nerves from before left in the dust. 

“So, I guess this means you’ll get me a present, too?” Catra asked. 

Adora’s body jerked, and she suddenly felt like a lot of time was running out. 

Catra laughed at her before she could take off to the nearest markets. 

“I’m just kidding, stupid. If you wanna get me something fine, but it doesn’t have to be today. Relax.” 

Catra looked over Adora’s head at the sun setting outside the floor to ceiling length window. Those seemed to be the only kinds of windows they had in Bright Moon, and Adora still wasn’t fully used to the openness. It used to worry her, as they were major security risks during the war. Now she only craved a little privacy more than anything. 

“Speaking of relaxing, you still need to rest. We’re supposed to keep you in here overnight, doctor’s orders not mine. I can stay with you, if you want?” 

Adora took note of the dark bags under Catra’s eyes and the way her shoulders drooped, just slightly. Catra needed a good night’s rest, and the infirmary’s tiny twin bed certainly wasn’t the place to get that. It almost reminded her of the barracks in the Horde. 

“No, it’s okay. Go get some sleep. I’ll be fine in the morning.”

Catra looked half reluctant, half grateful, but she didn’t put up a fight. She leaned down to kiss Adora’s forehead. A warm feeling spread all through Adora’s chest at the sensation and she closed her eyes. She was more exhausted than she thought. 

“I’ll see you in the morning. Get ready to dance, because I’m not letting you get out of the Thaymor ceremonial one again,” Catra grinned. 

Adora groaned. Most dances she could handle but the lightning fast movements of Thaymor’s citizens were far beyond her abilities. Catra, always light on her feet, excelled at this one in particular to Adora’s never-ending humiliation. 

But just before Catra stepped out the door a thought occurred to Adora. 

“Hey, wait,” she called. 

Catra turned around, her hand resting on the curved silver handle. The dim light from the lanterns in the hallways made Catra look like more of a silhouette than a person. So dark it was difficult to see her face at all. 

“This is pretty stupid to ask by this point but...what exactly is the party for tomorrow?”

Catra laughed outright. “Oh man, I think the doctors missed something, there’s no way you don’t have a concussion.”

Adora grinned sheepishly. 

Catra’s smile faded and that old worry was back in the lines around her mouth, but she made no comment. 

“It’s the anniversary of our victory over the Horde.” 

Their victory...right, of course. That made sense. They had won last year in...what cycle was it? She couldn’t tell from the view outside the window. 

Adora’s brows furrowed and she pressed a hand to her head. For some reason the details of their victory were lost on her. There’s no way she could forget that sort of stuff though, right?

“Weird question, but...how exactly did we win again?” 

A long silence stretched, and Catra’s expression didn’t move. In fact, nothing seemed to move. The entire castle fell completely still. Every noise, every shift of a curtain ceased until even Adora’s breathing felt stopped and controlled. There was a dull ache in her chest, and she wanted to touch the source of the pain but she was frozen, even then. 

Catra smirked, and Adora felt a chill crawl down her spine, settling in a deep fear in her stomach. This looked...like the old Catra. Like the Catra she used to have nightmares about. The Catra that had let her fall off a cliff, had opened the Portal, would have let the whole world burn if it meant that she could win. That she had the power. 

“Oh, Adora,” she said in her old mockingly sing-song voice. It didn’t sound like her at all, not any more. But it was still so hauntingly familiar, enough that Adora had the impulse to reach for her sword, to protect herself. 

The sword that wasn’t there any more.

Catra stepped one foot back so she was out of the threshold and the light couldn’t reach her. 

“You already know.”

The door clicked shut. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sweating straight through the sheets and tossing and turning all night was something Adora was accustomed to. Or, had been accustomed to. She hadn’t felt _this_ restless in a very long time. 

When Adora finally realized that sleep wouldn’t visit her that night she flung the sheets off with an exasperated huff. No medics had come to check on her all night so she assumed they weren’t really all that worried about her condition. She wished they had just let her go back to her room. The infirmary was too quiet, too uncomfortably still. With no background noise (and no Catra by her side) all Adora had to fall asleep to was her own thoughts. Which was never all that helpful. 

Adora threw open the doors to the balcony with a truly monumental creak. She resolved to oil the hinges tomorrow. For now she took a deep breath of the crisp night air, crossing her arms over the glossy marble banister. 

She gazed out over Bright Moon, the towns and lights and the few people wandering around at this hour. Then, past Bright Moon, to the ghostly Whispering Woods that no matter how many times she looked at it always seemed to grow or shrink. 

There was a time when Adora couldn’t have imagined it. How great and vast and terrible the world was. Her whole life had consisted of places that she couldn’t see and choices that she wasn’t allowed to make. But some day, some day. 

_Just keep your head up, you’ll make it through. We’ll be the top dogs._  
Lonnie, a reassuring voice she had greatly missed during the war. 

_I know you will become who you are meant to be. You will not disappoint me._ Shadow Weaver, always there over her shoulder, in the corner of her eye. 

_It doesn’t matter what they do to us, right? We’ll get out of here one day._  
Catra, repeating Adora’s own words back to her and looking at her with so much trust she felt like she could never live up to it. 

All these words, all these people. Everyday she woke up and faced those expectations. Dreams and hopes and desires that weren’t hers but she would carry them all the same. 

If she failed, the Horde failed with her. If she won, glory be to Lord Hordak.  
And on and on. 

Since deserting the Horde ( _not running away,_ she told herself, _I didn’t run away_ ) a whole new life had unfolded before her eyes. Childrens’ stories turned out to be true and a whole lot less frightening than she’d been told. Etheria’s land was endless, and it’s magic even more so. It was amazing and terrifying and she had only wished Catra could have seen it all with her. That they hadn’t been stuck where they were as kids, that if only things had been a little different they would have stayed together. 

Catra was with her now. She had made it out. Etheria had been rescued and life felt long and full of possibility again. 

Adora’s hands clenched into fists, her blunt nails digging into her palms. 

Everything she wanted...was here. But where had the memories gone? Where was the work that had led towards it? 

Why was she allowed to have all of this?

The more Adora tried to remember the more she forgot, each piece of herself slowly slipping away like wax melting down a candle. The candle wouldn’t burn forever. 

Adora looked to her right, gaze immediately caught by Bright Moon’s glowing runestone. It looked as shiny as ever, opaque and glittery and too bright. She had to squint a little to look at it. Not that she looked at it much. Seeing it made her think of Queen Angella, and that was a regret she would never know how to cope with. 

She took in a trembling breath, savoring the feeling of tranquility around her even as her mind was breaking apart. Things weren’t right, she knew that now, as sure as her alarm waking her every morning no matter the day or the amount of rest acquired the night before. She knew, but she wanted to fight it. 

Adora took a step back from the banister, standing up straight and looking over Bright Moon for what she was afraid was the last time. It didn’t surprise her when she started to cry. That ache in her chest was back but it was different this time. It felt like a finality. 

Adora clutched her hands to her chest and let it happen. Better to let it out now than later. She needed to be strong to let go of all this. 

Letting go. Isn’t that what Light Hope had always told her? 

It had hurt the first time, but she had been willing. If it was necessary she would do it. This time was so, so much harder. 

Drying her tears and suppressing her sobs and fears, Adora stepped back into the castle. The sun was rising now. 

It was beautiful. She was going to miss that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Adora, what’s been going on with you?”

And they were back here. Adora almost wanted to laugh. Did they really think they could trick her with all of this? She hadn’t survived this long for nothing. 

She was in that pretty white dress, same as before. But this time she felt a weight on her forehead that reminded her all too much of She Ra’s costume. Looking in the mirror confirmed her suspicions. A golden diadem rested on her brow, keeping back the hair that had grown far longer than it had ever been allowed to in the Horde. A red ruby was nestled in the center, perfectly polished. 

“Nothing’s been going on with me,” Adora lied. 

“Bullshit, you’ve been acting weird for weeks,” Catra countered.

Had it really been weeks? A dream within a dream within a dream, it seemed. 

Adora stood up from the vanity she had been sitting at, desperately missing her pinned up strategies. Something about memorizing them and tracing the faded lines of ink gave her a peace of mind. The comfort of war. 

She looked at Catra, who was standing to her left in a no nonsense position, arms crossed, eyes hard. She was wearing the same formal clothes she had worn for the other ball, apparently a few weeks ago. Gorgeous and still so unattainable. Adora longed to reach out and touch her. But Catra had always had sharp edges, and she knew touching would only lead to more hurt, in the end. If she was going to let go she needed to do it fast. Before she lost her nerve. 

“Catra…you remember when...when Shadow Weaver sacrificed herself, right?”

Catra immediately stiffened, dropping her crossed arms. 

“What kind of question is that? Of course I remember.”

“How did she die?” 

That same stillness pervaded the room, only this time it fell to a natural halt. Catra’s mouth opened and closed, looking for the words that Adora knew she wouldn’t find. They didn’t exist. Not in this world.

“I—What does it matter? She can’t hurt us anymore. She’s gone for good.” Catra clasped her elbows as she said it, clearly not wanting to have this conversation. 

Adora sighed, just the tiniest breath of air. The quietest sound. 

“And Horde Prime? Is he dead?”

“Adora, why are you asking me this? If this is just to avoid the question from before it’s not gonna work—”

“I’m not the one avoiding the question!” Adora yelled. She froze, covering her hand over her mouth. What was she doing? She couldn’t blame Catra, not for this. None of this was real. Not the clothes, not the room, not the girl standing in front of her. 

But she was scared and she was tired and she wanted so desperately for Catra to have the answers. 

_Please, tell me I’m wrong._

Catra didn’t move for a moment, and then walked over to Adora. She placed light hands on Adora’s shoulders. Gently, as if she were afraid Adora would shatter under her fingertips. 

“Adora...look, I don’t know what’s happening with you, but I thought we said we wouldn’t hide stuff anymore. We talk to each other, look out for each other. You still trust me, don’t you?”

Catra stared at her in that searching way she had, as if trying to pick out Adora’s thoughts. Any other time she would have said an unwavering _yes, I trust you_. Any other time she would have told Catra what was wrong days before she even really thought it was a problem. She wanted to shout from the rooftops that she loved Catra, that the Horde had tried and failed to take them apart and now they would never leave each other again. 

But all these things had added up one too many. Adora was used to thinking things were too good to be true, as in her experience that was almost always the case. She had ignored instinct for too long. Ignored it because it was easier that way, because if she did she didn’t have to admit just _how much_ she wanted to keep this. 

Adora reached out a hand to cup Catra’s cheek. She could live with one last wound. 

_Slam!_

“Catra, you promised you would let me brush your hair!” Glimmer shouted after flinging the door open hard enough to leave a mark on the wall, wielding a golden hairbrush. 

Catra’s expression seemed to snap like a rubber band. From painfully sad to innocent amusement in one second. She smiled so bright it hurt to look at. Her Catra, the real Catra, would never have given up so easily. Not when it came to the two of them. And that, above anything else, told Adora what this really was. 

A pretty little lie to keep her sedated. Horde Prime had set a very convincing scene.

It just hadn’t been quite enough. 

Catra laughed and took off across the room, Glimmer chasing her down with threats and bargains alike. Bow chuckled from the threshold, giving Adora an amused look. But his expression quickly shifted to concern. 

“Hey, are you okay? You look a little...tired, I guess.” 

Adora offered a tiny smile. Real or not, she never liked to worry Bow. She didn’t have siblings. Didn’t even know who her parents were. But Bow and Glimmer had become her new family, and her life had been all the better for it. 

With a sharp pang in her chest, she came to terms with how much she would miss them. Another priceless thing, taken from her when she least expected it. 

“I’ll be okay,” she reassured. She tried to believe it. 

Bow looked as if he was going to say something, but Glimmer rushed to his side before the words could take shape in his mouth. 

“Ugh, you are so _annoying_!” Glimmer glared at Catra, fondly exasperated. 

“That’s all part of my natural charm,” Catra said slyly, slinging an arm around Adora’s shoulders. 

“Come on guys, Scorpia will be so upset if we’re late. You know how long she’s looked forward to this,” Bow implored. 

“Fine,” Glimmer huffed. “You get off easy, _this time_." 

Catra stuck out her tongue but Glimmer and Bow had already turned away. Catra stepped out from behind Adora to follow them, slowing to a stop when she realized Adora hadn’t budged.

“You coming?” she asked affectionately, extending one hand for Adora to take. 

And she wanted to take it. She wanted so much. 

If this was the last she would ever see of Catra she needed it to mean something. 

So she reached out her hand. 

And somehow, even though she almost expected it, it was still sickeningly shocking when her hand fell straight through Catra’s and Adora’s whole life glitched around her. 

“A beautiful wish,” Horde Prime murmured into the stillness of the room. His voice seemed to echo around every corner, every wall. Every place she couldn’t see. 

“But there will be no future. Not for you,” he hissed.

Adora didn’t turn around to look for him. She was smarter than that now. She had learned, adapted to his tricks. 

The image of Catra shimmered in front of her, frozen. She watched as Horde Prime stepped in her place, taking everything good with him. 

And the world melted away. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Screaming, everywhere there was screaming. 

Adora tried to cover her ears but her arms were bound to her sides. She couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything except watch Etheria crumble around her. 

The scenes in front of her shifted as rapidly as a kaleidoscope, hovering just long enough for her to see the image before it faded away. 

The princesses, fighting back to back with equal expressions of despair on their faces. 

Bow, firing arrow after arrow and running out of ammo all too quickly.

Glimmer and Micah, locked in a heated battle that Adora wasn’t sure Glimmer could win. Not when it came to her father. 

And there were civilians, everywhere, running frantically or captured and killed on sight. There was nothing she could do. Adora felt a scream bubbling up in her throat but she couldn’t give Horde Prime what he wanted. He was torturing her, distracting her. She couldn’t give up.

And then in the blink of an eye she was standing on a grassy cliff, gazing out over a part of Etheria untouched by Horde Prime’s attacks. The flowers around her smelled sickly sweet and the trees seemed to lock her in place. The peace was jarring in comparison to everything she’d just seen and she sucked in deep breaths to calm herself down. 

“I am truly sorry it had to end this way,” Horde Prime’s voice echoed behind her. 

Adora turned slowly. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of fear in her eyes. 

Horde Prime was a couple feet to her right, gently caressing a small flower. It almost looked like it shuddered away from his touch. 

“It was inevitable, of course. But I do not particularly enjoy this method of spreading my empire.”

Horde Prime twisted his head up suddenly and Adora’s breath caught on her next inhale when she saw his eyes. Green and white and so empty. She had never had this much chance to study him before. 

The small smile that had rested at the corner of his mouth vanished. 

“You should not have disobeyed me. We could have come to a peaceful conclusion. Instead you were rebellious, and just look at the consequences.” 

Adora clenched her hands into fists to hide her trembling. 

“I was never going to let you take Etheria. I still won’t. You can’t win, not as long as everyone is still fighting. Including She Ra.”

“Ah yes, She Ra,” Horde Prime grinned. “Brave warrior She Ra. How long has it been since you summoned her?” 

Adora tensed. How had he known that? 

He glanced at her with a smug gleam in his eyes and she didn’t hear so much as feel a response. 

_Horde Prime knows all._

With a snap of his fingers Adora was jolted out of her brief reverie. A picture of Mara came to life in front of her. But not Mara. She Ra. With a nauseating thrum of grief she remembered that she had failed Mara, too. Mara had died for the planet, for _her_ , and she had let the one thing happen Mara had given her life to prevent. 

Horde Prime seemed to know it, too. 

“How strange,” he murmured, cradling Mara’s face in one palm. 

“I must have fought her,” he said with a tone that could have been mistaken for wistfulness. “Must have known her face. But I have no memory of it.”

A loud screech shattered the stillness of the cliffside and Adora spun around to face the threat. But none came. Just another mind trick. 

Rage simmered in her heart. This really was all just a game to him. 

“I’ve seen so many like her over the years. One by one, all their faces have been lost to oblivion.” 

Mara’s form faded away piece by piece and Adora felt a sadness so deep there was now word to describe it. Mara didn’t deserve to be forgotten. But here she was, lost to time, and lost so flippantly to the enemy she had fought until the end. 

A tiny thought whispered in her mind, unbidden and selfish. Would her memory be left to rot the same way? Corrupted and twisted by Horde Prime’s great and cleansing darkness until there was nothing left of who she used to be. 

“Just as yours will be,” Horde Prime spoke, again seeming to read her deepest fears. She wasn’t just an open book to him, she was a copy. He had been here before countless times. 

“I am afraid, Adora, that you are just like all the rest. You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.”

Horde Prime looked at her one last time, as if he wanted to make doubly sure she heard his words. Cultivated them in her mind, letting them become her own thoughts, her own beliefs. There was no regret in his face when he spoke. Adora was sure he didn’t even understand the feeling. 

“You would never have been enough to stop me.”

The words rang true in her heart and her mind and with one last snap of his fingers Horde Prime let her go. 

Falling back into the void. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Empty. 

That was the only sensation Adora could feel. An emptiness so complete she had no memory of anything she’d felt before. 

This time her arms were truly bound to her sides, not in fear, but in ghostly green bands crossing over her chest. Horde Prime had put her in the dress again, diadem still attached. A mockery of who she used to be. Of who she had wanted to be. Now she wanted nothing at all. Only silence.

But, suddenly, a blinding light broke through and for once someone who wasn’t herself was yelling at her not to give up. Someone else was carrying the weight. 

Adora forced her eyes to open and see who it was but in her heart, in her very being, she already knew. There could be no doubt. 

Catra’s hand was reaching towards her and she could almost feel the touch. A phantom pain. She was drained of energy, so tired she felt dead already, but if Catra was reaching so would she. She could meet her halfway. She always would. 

With a grunt of pain she broke free of the bands restricting her arms, trying to get to Catra. There was too much room between them. Too many broken memories. 

“It’s too late,” Adora whimpered. “I failed.” 

Etheria. Mara. Glimmer, Bow, Angella, the princesses. _Catra._ Even Shadow Weaver. 

She listed them all in her head, holding onto the past so tightly it could have fractured. Every corner of her life had meant nothing. _She_ had meant nothing. She wished Catra didn’t have to be here to see her break. 

Catra was still shouting, screaming at her, and Adora listened so closely. She held every word. 

“Don’t you get it? I love you, I always have!” 

Adora felt a shock wave go through her whole body, emotions and thoughts she’d kept hidden away for so long rising to the surface so rapidly she feared she would drown in it. Catra loved her, had always loved her. Loved her when she was nothing, when She Ra was nothing more than a bedtime story. Loved her even when she had left Catra behind, the guilt of it eating her alive for all the years to come. If she had failed at every other part in her life, that had to be worth something. It _was_ worth something.

Adora threw away every part of herself that said this was wrong, that said this was selfish or bad. She stretched as far as she could to get to Catra. She was going to have this. She had wanted Catra for too long, entire lifetimes, to deny it now. 

“So please, just this once,” Catra yelled in anguish. 

“Stay!” 

Their hands met, finally, and Adora exhaled all the air left in her lungs. 

She tightened her grip, opening her eyes to see Catra, not a hologram that would disappear at the slightest change. Catra, solid and real and in love with her. 

Adora’s heart fluttered at the thought that Catra had _chose_ her like this. At her lowest, with no hope left. 

And for maybe the first time in her whole life she had chosen something, too.  
Just for her, no one else. 

When Catra kissed her, and she felt every ounce of power and love she could hold fill her body, she felt without a doubt it was the best decision she ever made. 

No more letting go. No more saying goodbye. 

She wasn’t going to let anyone take this from her ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if you leave a comment or kudos just know that you have given me the sweet validation i crave and extended my lifespan by 20 years.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bACMIB_VhlE  
> (song that inspired this fic)


End file.
